Hi, Let’s Be Friends

You ever notice those people that act like they’re your friend when you don’t even know them? Maybe you’ve seen them once before in the elevator of your building and all of a sudden they think they have the right to not only talk to you but act like you’re their friend. They go as far as to even poke fun at you in a joking kinda way. They’re always acting like it’s the greatest day on earth and like they’re your friend, his friend, her friend, your fucking enemies friend, every motherfucking person’s friend. I’m sure you know of at least one person out there like that. Well, I hate those type of fucking people. And if you’re that type of person…. well, I doubt you’d be reading this blog.

I’m all for that Bob Marley peace and love thing, one world one love but c’mon, if you see me standing in line somewhere or going down the elevetor, awknoledge the fact that we’re not friends, we don’t have enough time to become friends, I most likely don’t even like you (why? because I tend to hate people I don’t know), and most importantly I hate the fact that you seem happy. I’m not fucking happy when I’m waiting in line so why the hell are you? What’s your secret? If you’re on some sort of meds, let me know the name of your doctor because alcohol and other recreational means are not doing it for me.

Story Time

I love telling stories. Well, this story involves this guy in an elevator thinking he’s my friend because I had a cast on. “So, why do you have a cast on?” he asks. I grunt and tell him I got in a fight. He apparantly turns out to be some kinda paralegal and starts telling me that I should sue if I broke it in self-defense. I tell him that it’s alright, I rather not involve pigs into the whole situation and we go our separate ways. Then he sees me later on and tells me that he respects my decision. Then I see him another time a few weeks later once my hand is healed and he asks me how my hand is doing. I tell him it’s fine, so he decides it’s necessary for him to tell me that he’s gotten into fights when he was younger too and had broken “more than one bone” in his lifetime. Then he smiles. Then a next time I see he’s walking his skinny-ass German Shepherd and he starts telling me random life facts. ‘Fuck mate, piss off!’ is what goes through my mind. I feel like grabbing a pen and stabbing him in the neck then doing the dog in too so it doesn’t try to protect its half-dead owner. But instead I give him a quick nod, tell him I need to be on my way and I’d love to stay and listen to his most intising story, but it appears I have more important affairs to attend to… such as burning ants with a magnifying glass.

My Observation

I’ve noticed there are many of this type of people. And I’ve noticed a similarity between them all. They are always smiling. I’ll be honest, when I see a person smiling when they’re by themselves, I don’t trust them. They look like they’re ready to screw you over in one way or another. They’re conniving something, I can tell that much. When you see an angry person on the other hand, you can take my word for it, he’s not thinking about how to screw you over. He might be thinking about how much they stab you in the back of the head with an icepick, but that’s just because they’re angry at life–not at you particularly. Either way, their mind is busy with those fun thoughts, not with how to become your friend, get you to invite them over, and then screw your wife when you’re not looking. I know how these happy, friendly people work. And they’re like a fucking infestation. Once you give them any hint that you find their friendliness enjoyable, you’re fucked. They’ll clog up your answering machine. They’ll spam your email inbox. They’ll @Reply on Twitter you every second. They’ll even come knocking on your door if you tell them where you live.

So my advice is: If you see a person who is by himself and smiling, start walking the other way. If you’re stuck somewhere like a line-up and they start talking to you, just give them a dirty look like you just found out you have AIDs and they’ll hopefully have the innate common sense to do what you want them to, and that’s to…. PISS OFF!